Monday, March 2, 2009

Grieving our Way Back to Continuity

I am a poor substitute for a birth mother. At least it seems that way from my perspective. If I were asked as a child, "Would you like to be adopted, or would you like to keep the mom that gave you life?", I would have to answer, " I want my mommy(meaning my birth mom)!" Now being an adoptive mom that may seem hard to swallow, but really as I help my adopted children work through their different stages of grief I believe it is the only reasonable and loving attitude to have. Of course for various reasons each of my children's mothers were not able to raise them and if my kids were to have stayed with their birth moms I know that in some cases that it would not have been safe either emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually. Still from a child's perspective a heart yearns for that continuity. Each of my adopted kids have grieved the loss of their parents and as they grieve my heart grieves as well. I wish I could change it for them or at least carry their undeserved burden and give back to them what never should have been taken from them. But alas I am incapable, so my only option is to pray for their healing and simply hear their pain and remain steadfast in my love. And interestingly enough I have found that this is the road to find that continuity which they lost. Their pain has surfaced in each a little differently: Sometimes it looks like anger or rage, sometimes it looks like coldness or rejection, sometimes bed wetting, bad dreams, night terrors, under eating, over eating, depression, tears, running away. But make no mistake all these behaviors comes from the same is trauma due to a break in parental continuity. As I have worked through loss with each of my adopted children, healing takes place more and more. I believe that in some cases the best I can hope for is not total healing, but scarring. But with scarring comes strength in the broken places. We will see what God will do in the lives of my children that he chose to be the ones who survived the great difficulty of the separation of parent and child. Although I am no replacement for a birth parent, I have been chosen as well. And because God chose me for this job it is not hard to say to my children, " I am your mom and you are mine! God said so and he does not make mistakes! "Together we will forge the bond that is real, as real as any birth child and parent can know. These are my babies! Each one as precious to me as if they were from my own womb. And with time and consistency the message God has for them will be made clear..." You are loved, and you are home!" Once the bridge is built from birth parent to adoptive parent continuity is restored and trust and love can be reestablished in the heart of the child.


Jori said...

You are one of the most amazing people I know - lots of wisdom too! :):) So glad you are following HIM!
love ya, jori

blessedmomto7 said...

As an adopted child-I never felt much missing. However I was adopted at 4 months. I see many of the same things in some of my kids too. But like you said "we were chosen for our children" by the almighty. It's tough but beautiful. All will be perfect when we get to heaven.

E said...

I've been following your posts & I'm so inspired and touched by your insights & wisdom! Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences!!!


Dietrich & Amy Lusse said...

thanks for that little 1am reward! :)
No, I should not be checking your blog
at this time, but I'm glad I did! :)
Love from your tired TB

Dietrich & Amy Lusse said...

WHAT??!!!! How rude! You skip on over to my blog and give me a hard time for no update when you have no new post either???!!! Sheeeeesh! Some kind if TB you are...obnoxious is right! You must not remember what it's like to have 4 kids!
OK! Enough playing! I gotta get back to sleep after that bottle I just gave E.
Funny thing is, I actually tried to start a new post last see how far I got...with no help from you! Hahaha
Love to MOTB, from YOTB

Ben and Linda said...

My hubby and I are in the process of adopting from ET and I love to read your blog becuase you have so much Godly wisdom. I always feel so inspired after reading your posts.
GOd bless, Linda

jessica joy said...

Hello--God allowed to stumble randomly across your blog this morning and I just want to tell you how blest and encouraged I am!!! Thank you!!!

Thankfulmom said...

You are so right. Letting our children grieve and being present with them in their sorrow creates more and more attachment. It is not easy, but it is good.


Laurel said...